The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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