just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Randomize
