Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
