dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
