I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
