hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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