weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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