apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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