hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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