he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
