Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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