My first STD was from a foam party
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
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