i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
