u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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