birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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