I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
