do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
