the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
