I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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