You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
