He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
