New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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