I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
