Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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