You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
