I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
