"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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