the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
