My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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