dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
