i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
