he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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