...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
