I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
