Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
