Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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