Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
