Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
