i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Randomize
