Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
