Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
