I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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