Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
