It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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