I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
