It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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