He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
