Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
