Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
