I want to have your abortion
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
